I normally only ever blog when I'm trying to be good.
It sort of defeats the purpose of this blog.
The whole purpose is to chronicle how challenging it is to get on the road of wellness. I have to often seen 'before' and 'after'; but very rarely been exposed to the 'in between' hard yards and failures and intimate details of the desperation.
Last week, my dad visited from interstate. Together we did 7 days of 95% raw. He was probably closer to 100%. And it was easy for me. I hosted 2-3 dinner parties that week. And still ate salad or at worst roast veg while my guests dined on a feast.
And yet, when I went shopping yesterday.... For the first time, my usual size 18 was nowhere near my normal size. Size 18 is huge, depressing and definitely obese. Now, though, I'm buying size 22-24... :o!!!!!!!
I am TERRIFIED.
Fear makes me turn to food.
So I'm just stuffing my face, making myself sick, with disgust and actually physically sick with all the junk I'm consuming.
I should know better than to do this. Food doesn't taste good to me anymore.
I relish and thoroughly enjoying gobbling down a well-dressed salad or a delicious green smoothie (the chia porridge is still a punishment more than a pleasure).
However, my default pizza always leaves me feeling slightly sick.
So I should know better.
My epiphany when I went raw this time, is that I am using food to fill this humongous, bottomless void in me. A void that exists from me not having a goal or purpose in my life. Yes, I am raising two AMAZINGLY beautiful children. But it's not a positive experience for me. It is very stressful and I spend a lot of time berating myself and the kids.
I need to find a way to fill up my love bucket. I need to find and follow my passion.
I'm am trying to think very hard about what it is that I can do. Working outside of the home definitely helps. But I'm not waking up filled with fire and passion about being a retail naturopath.
So I have to think a bit harder.
In the mean time, my ferments and cultures are continuing. My supplements are still being consumed.
KOMBUCHA, I'm still learning!
Water Kefir, yum.
Milk kefir, double yum!
Cultured carrots...oh my Yum!
Cultured radishes, leeks, beet kvass.... All yum!
My personal fave is milk kefir with beet kvass. Tasty.
There is always a major life event distracting me from my goal, or weak idea rather, of losing weight and reversing my diabetes.
But, I guess that just means that I haven't cemented my ideas firmly in the universal consciousness.... I need to learn how to create affirmations and visualise my dreams in more detail, until I create a passion within myself to make my dream a reality.